thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
