I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
