I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
