my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Say something about gay babies.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Randomize
