Four minutes until I can fart!
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
