Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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