Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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