I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
