I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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