Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
