from now on my penis is your penis
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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