Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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