i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Ketchup is God's man juice
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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