I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
