my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
