I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
