uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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