I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
