I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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