why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
