I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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