Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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