If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
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