i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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