tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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