Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
