You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
