he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
