i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
