when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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