I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
