so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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