I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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