By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
