Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
