he thought i was a dude.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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