pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
