I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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