I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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