I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
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You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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