Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
