i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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