He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
