shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
