True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
whose parrot is this?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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