I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
