I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
