apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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