I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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