I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
