then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
