Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
