Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
