So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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