Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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