I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
