Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
