if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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