Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
